


paranoia

by toobscocaine



Series: 4am drabbles [7]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Support, boys being the best they can be
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:40:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27790150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toobscocaine/pseuds/toobscocaine
Summary: tsukki is having some mental challenges, his bf and team lets him know it will all be alrighttriggers in tags !!
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Series: 4am drabbles [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1754374
Kudos: 39





	paranoia

**Author's Note:**

> me back again to post a vent fic? why tf not

Tsukishima went to stare at himself in the mirror, but remembered he covered it with a trash can the night before. He decided he could no longer bear to look at himself. He noticed the mood stabilizer pills on his bedside table and a note from his mom.

It read ‘ _take your meds honey! had to leave for work early! get to school on time and breakfast is on the table!_ ’

He of course, ignored the medication.

Kei pondered the idea of having breakfast, but quickly dropped it due to the pit in his stomach and got ready for school. He grabbed his headphones, then paused before the doorknob. he pulled up his sleeve, and ran his hand over his scars. He took a deep breath, and left for Yamaguchi’s.

School proved to be a lot harder than it should be. Tsukishima was tempted to just leave, but that sent a whole flurry of thoughts.

‘ _your whole team already hates you, don’t skip practice they’d hate you more_ ’ 

‘ _you’re already bad at volleyball, and your going to get worse if you skip practice_ ’

‘ _what will yamaguchi think?_ ’

Kei excused himself to the bathroom. He stared in the mirror, and didn’t recognize himself. He didn’t know who that was who looked so pathetic in the mirror.

He was skinny, you could probably see his ribs when he was shirtless.

He had large bags under his eyes, looking like he hadn’t slept for weeks.

His hair was messy, and not clean. He hadn’t made any effort with it.

Tsukishima had enough of self pity. He went into the stall. He didn’t cry. He never did. He just took out the small scissors he kept in his bag. Kei remembers the first time he cut.

He had felt dreadful, some day in middle school. He felt alone. After crying in the mirror, he’d had enough. He’d noticed the small safety pin on his dresser.

 _‘i’ll only do it once. just to see what it’s like’_ he’d thought.

But when he saw the blood leave his arm, something rose in him. To him, it felt like fighting back. At what? He still doesn’t know.

So Tsukishima stayed in the bathroom stall, carving thin lines into his thighs, hips, wherever. He took bandaids out, and placed them along the cuts and scars, as always.

Tsukishima felt like he’d fallen down a hole with no way to get back up. He felt like dying. Like death. He was barely motivated to keep breathing, but nonetheless he dragged himself back out into the hallway.

At lunch, Yamaguchi clearly noticed something was up.

“You don’t have a lunch, again.” Yamaguchi had the mom voice, and the mom look.

“Yeah.” Kei didn’t intend for it to come out so raspy. He could barely hear his own voice.

There was a long beat of silence. “Kei?” Tsukishima didn’t meet his boyfriends eyes. Tadashi took this as an opportunity to continue speaking. “Are you alright?”

_‘he’d hate you if you told him the truth. you’re practically insane, who wants that?’_

“I’m fine.” Tsukishima forced a smile, and gave his boyfriend a lying look. He knew Tadashi didn’t accept it, but he just wanted to get through today.

It was time for volleyball practice, and all the noises were overwhelming.

When it was time to change Kei went into his usual corner, out of the view of the mirror. He always turned away to change, he thought his body looked to shameful for anyone to see. Usually nobody was actually paying attention.

Usually.

But everyone had noticed something was wrong. Even Hinata, Noya, and Tanaka, who have the observation skills of dirt. But Tsukishima couldn’t see them.

So he changed, but the instant his bandages were exposed, the room went radio silent. Tsukishima could feel burning stares, and he assumed they were hate.

“Hey Tsukki, why do you have so many bandages?” Who did that come from? Suga maybe. There was ringing loudly filling Kei’s ears.

“It’s nothing.” Kei’s voice came out a whisper. Barely anything at all, just pain in his voice.

He felt a grasp on his wrist. “No, it’s not. We know it’s not.” Yamaguchi. He paused for a moment, then went on when he knew Tsukishima wasn’t going to speak. “You know we’re all here for you? No matter what your brain is telling you, you’ve got us.”

The team all chirped in there agreement. It was silent for what felt like an eternity.

“I’m bipolar.” He said, this time there was more of something in his voice, maybe power. Nobody said anything, but before his brain could make paranoid assumptions, Suga chimes in.

“I’m glad you were able to tell us. It takes a lot of guts. And if you ever need anything or to skip practice, just know we understand and that you’ve got us okay?” Tsukishima nods, and for the first time in while, he feels tears. Warm, happy tears streaming down his face.

And for once, he doesn’t feel the paranoia.


End file.
